I haven't talked about things I've lost lately, but I think that might be because I'm overwhelmed by how much I feel like we've lost as a country. People are really angry and afraid, and the result is a complete loss of being able to speak to each other as human beings. We have all been reduced to labels - "these people are trying to do this", and suddenly every act of violence, rebellion or even questioning is labeled terrorist.

After recent killings by police, and the sniper shooting into a peaceful protest in Dallas, I felt completely lost about what to do, if I could do something, and even if I was supposed to do something. I'm a nonprofit worker. My instinct is to jump in, find out what the problem is, how the people affected want to fix it, and do what I can to help. I am painfully aware of race relations with police - even if I didn't do the work I do, I grew up with it. People who don't see it are willfully ignorant of the real world. I know the rates of incarceration by race in this country -- already we incarcerate more of our citizens than any other first world nation, and make a business of it -- and you only have to look at them to realize the system is unfair, at the very least.

But in recent months, I have also become increasingly alienated on this issue. I know intimately what police harassment feels like, but I could just move to another state. I am a mother, and that makes my heart break for every mother out there who is scared for her children just walking down the street. Is it fair that my voice is heard more than the people actually affected by this issue? Of course not. It's ridiculous. And lately it has felt like my voice is unwanted because I am white and could not possibly know how it feels to be black. Which is fine -- if the best thing for me to do is stand back for others, I am more than happy to do that. I have no ego or pride when it comes to making things better for everyone. I just want it to happen. But in this case, I couldn't sit in my house, mourning another lost soul, listening to people argue about what's "really" going on, on facebook, tv, in my own house. So what could I do?

Three things got me out of my useless despair and moving forward again. One was a photo a friend posted reading, "If you ever wondered what it would be like to live in the Civil Rights Movement, and what role you would play, you are in it right now." I am pretty constantly bombarded with people who say, "well, you can't know you would have done this or that because it was a different time" or "you can't really judge people back then because it was a different time." I have never found this to be a valid argument. Yes, you would have had to try harder to see another point of view, but seeing people bought and sold or whipped or denied basic services and dignity because they weren't white is universally horrible. It's easily ignored or even encouraged if you are profiting from it and don't have to see it every day, but that is not the same thing. And that's what this has ALWAYS been about: power and money -- how to get it, how to keep it and how to keep the people who don't have either distracted fighting with each other. Because of the way I grew up, I have always been pretty sure the time and prevailing attitudes would not stop me from doing what I knew was right, and honestly this is the time and the test. If we are no longer in that "time" where we couldn't judge people for looking the other way when a large portion of their countrymen was being hurt and oppressed, then there can't be any hesitation to do something now. Unfortunately, I think we've shown we are still in that time.

The second thing: August 11 happened to be the first day of "Getting Unstuck", a mediation series by Deepak Chopra and hosted by Oprah Winfrey. There is no way Winfrey's opening monologue about being stuck in old mindsets and frustrated by lack of progress could have been written for the previous four days' events, but listening to her talk about how to make positive change was incredibly powerful. I had my call and my inspiration, now I needed a plan of action.

Luckily, I there is somewhere I often turn for calm rationality on important issues: the1janitor. And, doubly luckily, there was a plan right there.



There are a couple of ideas I try to live my life by, but wasn't necessarily recognizing in this situation, probably because I was feeling so apart from it.

1. You can't have someone else's perspective until they give it to you. And when they do, treat it like the gift it is.

2. Ask "what do you need" and listen to the answer. Don't assume you know, based on your own assessment of the situation, that you know what other people need. Once you have the answer, you can decide if it's something you can provide, but don't give what you want because that's what you think people should want or need.

3. Racism is another form of violence. Just like any victim of violence, don't assume the story is made up or that the person somehow "asked for it." These attitudes just perpetuate the violence and let victimizers off the hook. Racism is like the playground bully: Call it out; ignoring the problem makes it bigger and stronger. Stand up for people: The people being victimized know there are people out there willing to stand with them, and the bullies know they are being watched, and their actions won't be tolerated. Racism is all about keeping people down so they can't fight back; we used to have laws prohibiting the education of slaves, now we have jails accomplishing the same goal in an even more horrible way.

4. Know the facts, not the opinions. I often have to ask "was that really 'the news' or was it facebook?" Being inundated with opinions from people exactly like you is not helpful, and neither is your perpetuation of shit that's just someone's opinion. Do some freaking research. Look at the claims on both sides, and use some common sense: logically could this even be true (fewer people die from gunshot wounds since gun ownership was legal? I call bullshit. That's like saying fewer people die from car accidents since people started owning cars. Logically, it just doesn't make any sense. Plus, what's the date gun ownership became legal?). Find out where those statistics came from. Was it a legitimate source, or was is like the "more people are on welfare in this state than people are working" (seriously, think for 5 seconds about what's coming out of your mouth) crap Fox News likes to make up by not really reading the reports they commentate on. 24-hour tv news stations have ruined journalism with their push to fill news holes, and we're all suffering.

5. Share your knowledge, calmly and rationally. In truth, this is so hard for me, as it is for many people. I've done my research and I know what I'm talking about and you're just an idiot for godssake. It's difficult, and takes practice. But there are so many voices saying things we know are just a myth, whether it's racism or climate change - and making people who just repeat what they hear most hear something else can only help. They will surprise you too, and then it's awesome.

6. Make sure you know you are speaking with the people you want to help, not for them. Big, important difference. If you are not sure, see 2. Again, it's not fair that a white man's voice will be more heard than a black or Latino man -- or a woman of any color -- but that doesn't mean your voice doesn't matter. So if you're a person who wants to make a difference, be sure you are drawing attention to the people your issue affects because...

7. It's not about you, and it doesn't need to be. It's perfectly ok to say, this issue doesn't affect me, but I can't watch it happen to my friends and neighbors. Don't feel guilty, do something that doesn't directly benefit you. This is about making a better county for everyone, instead of a divided country where everyone's shooting each other.

So last week I went to a protest -- my first in a long time. One chant in particular I've been keeping in my head: I got your back. That's where I fit in, and where I need to be.