It's not that I can't take a joke...

The place where I work has a Gender Equity Initiative. Putting a description on what gender equity brings to light is difficult, in a similar way to race conversations we are having right now as a nation, because the people who are affected are women and LGBT and transgender men -- really anyone who's not a gender-conforming, straight, white male. But I've found defining gender equity in those terms means straight, white men can either dismiss the subject as not applying to them or, especially in the case of racial equality, become extremely angry and defensive.

I understand this reaction: Any change in the status quo is upsetting for those who benefit from the status quo. And no one likes to think they are doing something wrong. Apologies are so charged now; admitting you were wrong and asking for forgiveness is treated as a weakness, especially in a society as litigious as ours.

But the prevailing treatment of women, the ingrained idea that women are there completely for male gratification makes me angry -- furious in a Samuel L. Jackson Pulp Fiction way -- and we can't ignore this attitude anymore.

People talk about how much progress we've made on one issue or another, but I see this "progress" more as a pendulum. Yes, we have less racism now than we did in the 60s, but we've also been about here before. Yes, women have more rights now than they did in the early 20th century, but we are now in a period of rolling back those rights.

At a recent Gender Equality meeting, our CEO talked about what it was like for her as a young woman not being able to find a mentor. She talked about being in a meeting as a young woman just starting out in a company of men, and having one of the men tell her, because of her youth and her gender, that she had no business being there.

And that is the root of much of the problems we're having: a feeling of not belonging. Not just feeling like you don't belong, but being told with every word and action that you are unwanted. When you don't feel like you should be somewhere, you are less likely to advocate for yourself, believe in yourself or succeed at a job. Two separate stories really brought this to the forefront right after the discussion at work: a New York Times article about women so trained by this horrible attitude that they can't believe when they've been sexually assaulted, and a StoryCorps episode about the magic of being told you belong.

An insidious symptom of this behavior is being defined in unflattering or demeaning ways. Having a boss tell you that you need to "be more ladylike" or say he's not investing time in you because you'll "just get pregnant" shows women on a daily basis that they are only being seen as a female body and nothing more. People with a strong sense of self might be able to stand up to this kind of harassment, but what if the woman is getting the same thing from her partner and parents and elected officials? When everyone around you tells you that you are worth nothing, you can't help but start believing it's true. What good is the right to vote when your country tells you that, as a woman, you are worthless?

Whether you are beaten down by these comments every day and have given up, or you actually believe them, or you experience sexist behavior for the first time -- being shown that you are not valued robs a person of their voice. And we need to start speaking up. Not in an angry way unfortunately, which is my reaction, but in a way that engages the sexist person calmly. Now that I am older, I don't get shocked by this behavior anymore and I don't let it go either. But it is really difficult to come up with something in the moment that won't just garner a "geez, women can't take a joke" eye roll.

StopSexistRemarks.org has a good starting point for engaging people when they make a sexist comment, and how confrontational you want to get really depends on the person. I've had to endure an inordinate number of conversations lately where "politically correct" was invoked. I hate this term. It's like "I'm not racist, but...", and whenever someone says they aren't politically correct, you know the next thing out of their mouth will be annoying at best. Considering the feelings of the people you are speaking to -- or the people who might overhear, or just people in general -- is just common consideration. Somehow decency has been lost in this "fuck your feelings" era of America (honestly, I think this shirt might have been a joke by anti-Trump people, but his supporters are wearing it. It's like Talladega Nights up in here).

Here are some of the things I've said in conversation lately (and please post any sexist-comment retorts you've used):

• Wait, nope. You can only joke about being raped (beaten/groped/etc.) if you've actually been raped. Otherwise I'm afraid you have to shut your mouth.
• Would say that to a man? Or, alternately, turn to the man next to you and ask the same question/make the same comment.
• I guess you could imagine a comment about killing your gay son is a joke, if that act was so outside the realm of possibility as to be unthinkable. Ho ho! Who would do that? But because it's happening every day, it's only horrible.
• You're right, I can't take that joke. How about you take it back?
• Would you say to your wife, "How come there's no International Man's Day?" No, because you'd sound like an idiot. The same applies for Black History Month or Latino History Month or anything else. Straight White Guy Day is EVERY DAY. White Guy (we're finding out about the lack of straight more and more) History is not our only history. Shut up and learn something instead of whining.
• We all have to live together. Make it nice.
• My favorite Tapeheads line, which I swear I will make into a GIF one of these days.
• Now that I'm older, I also have an arsenal of mom looks and noises that can be used on men to great effect. Similar to the "would you want your mom treated that way?" argument.

Not only do we have to stand up for ourselves, we have to stand up for each other. And that means anyone, regardless of gender or race, who is being demeaned or assaulted in any way. Speaking up to the person making you feel like shit also stops you from turning around and treating other people like shit (like the person taking your order at Burger King, the person driving next to you, your kids or parents -- anyone YOU think is less powerful than you). There's just no excuse to treat people like crap, and a big part of that is getting the people who do the demeaning to understand -- it's not that I can't take a joke, it's that I'm NOT a joke.